Healthy Relationships

A husband who feels that he can secure his wife's love only by buying her more things instead of spending real time with her is really saying: "I have nothing of value to offer you from my own personality...so please let these trinkets represent me. Parents who have no time to spend with their children because they are too busy working to make more money so that we can give you things are really saying that money is more valuable than that which I can personally offer you. These people have a low self image. They do not respect themselves...so how can they expect anyone else to respect them?

However, merely recognizing your own value in a relationship is not enough. Knowing you deserve to be in the a relationship is only step one. Step two....creating a successful relationship takes an investment of time and effort. The requirements of a successful marriage are: Openness with each other; Mutual trust; Consideration for each other; Willingness to extend yourself and to do for your spouse. Words are not enough.

Low self-esteem is often the culprit as to why a spouse feels he/she cannot fulfill these ingredients.

A spouse may say: How can I be honest and open? My spouse would not want me if he/she knew my real thoughts and feelings. What point is there in giving of myself to the relationship? There is really nothing to give. This attitude and way of thinking may cause a person to be plastic and superficial in the relationship in order to put up a good front and to hide the inadequate real you. This artificiality precludes true intimacy.

If a person feels they are of little value they may think that they are being humble. This is a false humility. Humility means recognizing your true worth as a person of value in the eyes of the Creator, as you understand Him, and using your virtues to benefit others. If you do not feel good about yourself then you lack self respect. Here is the key:

Genuine respect for others cannot exceed the respect you have for yourself.

If you don't appreciate your good qualities and feel you are not a good person, you will look for, and find faults, instead of goodness, in others. This is called projection. While you may think that the other person is to blame by not living up to your expectations it is really you who is sabotaging the relationship. Any relationship is only as strong as its weakest link. And, as difficult as this may be to admit, you are the weakest link because you do not believe in yourself.

Self-esteem is indispensable to happiness and to healthy relationships. You will have to be honest with yourself and take a personal inventory of your strengths, talents and capabilities. If your natural reaction to this is: "I don't have any real talents or abilities"... then you have a self-esteem problem. Your must be prepared to re-evaluate your own "self" and this will take effort and a willingness to be open and honest with yourself. If you embark on this process, and it is a process, you may very well find that you are actually much more talented and competent that you have given yourself credit for. You are much better than you have led yourself to believe.

Based on Angels Don't Leave Footprints, by Dr Abraham Twerski, Shaar Press, 2001, pages 172-175