Self-Esteem in Relationships

Marriage and the Real You

A couple married form one year consulted me as they felt they were growing apart. The young man was a successful lawyer but he did not find much satisfaction or self- esteem from this job.
He felt comfortable in social settings as he could enthrall his audience with stories, anecdotes and his take on politics. He felt safe in these situations because he could present a facade of competence and so he had no fear of revealing his true self. He his behind his smooth talk and apparent self confidence.

During his courtship he presented this same facade to his fiancee and regaled her with his successes and adventures. He hid his true insecurities behind his debonaire bravado. However, once they were married he felt threatened by not being able to keep up the plastic, superficial facade throughout the intimate relationship of day to day marriage. This was much harder than a well rehearsed date.

He feared that under the close scrutiny of marriage his cover would be lifted and his wife would see through his facade and discover the real person, whom he felt was lacking in substance and value. His outer confidence was really a front for an insecure person with a negative self image. He could speak in court and in front of scores of people at a party, but feared an intimate conversation with his wife. To avoid being rejected by his wife he put up barriers and walls between them and refused to open up to her about his real feelings and fears.

Deep in his psyche, he had developed the idea, beginning in childhood, that he was an inadequate person. He felt he was not a good person since he had negative thoughts and only he knew that he wasn't as altruistic as he "appeared to be". Socially he was a "people pleaser"but there was one person he could never please, namely, himself.

The young man was honest enough to accept our counseling advice that he lacked self esteem and he was willing to embark on a process of self awareness and self esteem enhancement. In time, he was able to come to terms with his true self, open up to his wife and the intimacy and openness of the marriage began to improve.